The Black Waves.

This story reminded me of why I call my paranormal romance easy reading and my horror stories intelligent reading. Very Vivid. Very well written. You actually have to have a brain to read the story. You need to be involved. You can't just gloss through reading at a rapid rate or you will miss that one word... that one sentence that sticks with you.
Stories that are written like this are why I am still reading horror after 30+ years.
This story was full. It had a perfect beginning. An engaging middle and an ending that satisfies you.
It is the kind of story you need to think on. Take a minute or two to sit back and absorb what you just read.
Who ever wrote this...... You are one talented person.

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No Title.

I loved this and it bummed me out at the same time. The writing sucked you in and brought the story alive in the movie theater in my head. My issue is the length I guess. It just stopped to abruptly for my taste. Kind of like eating something you love and you reach your spoon into the bowl only to find out it is empty.
All in all a really great story but I wish it had been longer. I know this is a short story exercise but this story would really benefit from another two or three more paragraphs. Does that make sense?
I hope who ever wrote this takes it as a compliment that I wanted it not to end.

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Falling inside the Black.

Sigh... I hate this part.
This story didn't do it for me. I am so sorry. I think if one of the first few sentences didn't talk about being blind and then the rest of the story until the end talked about him seeing things it would have worked. Instead it threw me off. I got confused and had to go back to the top to reread what I knew I had read. That he was blind. At that point the story just stopped clicking. I understand the beginning was actually the end after I read the entire thing but it just didn't work for me this way.
The writing however was good. I am tempted to reread it to see if it is better if I just skip the first part but that is not how this exercise works right? Read the story as is?

Sorry

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Another day at the beach.

ACK!!
What a freaking horrible thing this guy goes through. It was enough to make my skin crawl. The story was really well written and totally made me experience a bit of horror with that guy. God the last sentence...... over and over and over again. HORRIBLE!

Thank you for your story. As weird as it sounds after my "review" I freaking loved it!!!

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No Title - Great writing! Vivid and immersive descriptive writing. I really connected to the character and what he was going through. While reading I had images in my head of the lighhouse and the storm and the waves crashing against the lighthouse.

My only critique is that I felt dropped into the middle of the story and it took me a few lines to get my bearings. At first I thought the story was taking place on a boat. Janet is right, if the story had been titled The Lighthouse it would have helped. Also, like Jody said, the ending also felt rushed. This story feels like a great scene in the middle of a great story.

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Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it

Falling Inside the Black - Mr. Stephens is back! And still as insane as ever. It was nice to read a new Mr.Stephens story and this one definitely felt a bit darker than the first one, a bit more serious, but still has that nice underlying vibe of weirdness.

I agree with Jody that I was confused by the beginning because it says the main character is blind and then the story continues with the main character being able to see. At the end I realized the beginning of the story was the end. I think that needs to be made clearer because I was reading the story thinking that the writer had forgotten his own character was blind!

Also, next time would love to see a story from Mr.Stephen's point of view. Or at least more Mr.Stephen. He felt like a secondary character and Mr.Stephens should never ever be secondary. I don't think he would like that.

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Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it

My guesses were so off last time I even guessed my own story wrong. And yes, some very good comments so far!

Black Wave--I liked this one because I felt the author was trying to write something with humor and off-the-wall...ness, without having really done it before. The story really got going once Stanley started his daring plan of plugging the hole with his finger. I also wondered if I'd missed something when I read the last paragraph, so I went back and found the spot where Stanley told Hogwalls that, in his nightmare, men were fucking dogs and the dogs were enjoying it.

The Black Waves--I really dug this one and was truly invested in it....until Caroline showed up. The B side of the record having recorded the rape and murders was a cool idea, but the ending felt like standard fare that we've all read before. With a bit of clean-up to the dialogue to make it feel more conversational and a more unique ending, I could see this story in an anthology somewhere.

Untitled--I enjoyed the imagery, but I was left a little confused by some things. I originally thought there was only Harry and Richard, and had to go back to figure out there was a third character. And while it does feel like you're dropped into the middle of the story, I'm fine with that. I think this is a story that could really benefit from another 200-300 words to make things a touch clearer.

Falling Inside The Black--I'm not sure about Mr. Stephens, but I completely agree with Chris that a story from his point of view could make for an interesting read. I didn't mind that the author played a little with time in the story. But parts of this still felt...I don't know, maybe familiar is the word I'm looking for. That's not a bad thing, but Mr. Stephens seems to be the type of character that one can explore different types of storytelling with.

Another Day At The Beach--I liked the point of view in this one. If I have any problem with the story, it's the second to last paragraph about the Bad Thing. Those couple of sentences really changed the tone of the story for me and I honestly could have done without them. But that's just me.


All in all, there was some excellent writing here. But, like I said about a couple of the stories, there was a familiarity here that I wish, quite frankly, was gone. Maybe I'm trying to shoehorn the authors who did submit into my thoughts and reasons for doing these exercises, which is completely unfair to them. Says the guy who didn't write anything this time around.

Another Day at the Beach - This story has stuck with me because I keep imagining what a hellish existence it must be to spend eternity reliving your death by drowning. In that respect, it is positively haunting. And it almost seems like the writer had a near drowning experience because it seems like a pretty accurate and vivid description of the sights and sounds and thoughts that must go through someone's head when they drown. Sometimes in the newspaper I will read a story about a drowning and I wonder what thoughts must run through a person's head as they sink to the bottom of a lake or ocean and they know they're not coming back up.

I didn't have a problem with the "Bad Thing" revelation. I just wish it was done in a more subtle manner. It didn't need to be called the bad thing and it certainly didn't need to be capitalized.

Overall, nicely done!

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Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it

I made the mistake of reading others' thoughts on these stories, and now I'm not sure what to do. My first impressions about certain aspects of each story changed when I read these posts, and I found myself saying, "Wow, TT/Janet/JD/Hello/Thad made an excellent point - I hadn't thought of that."

So now I've got to figure out how to write my thoughts without simply re-hashing everyone else's.

BLACK WAVE

Awesome story! Great suspense, great use of humor. A couple of lines of dialogue were golden. Making us wait for the description of the nightmare was very effective, and then when we finally get it, it certainly lived up to its billing. The idea of some hole in the wall that has to be plugged up to save the world is not only a clever concept for a short work, but is also pretty hilarious.

My only issue is with the ending. It’s a little too vague (at least for my puny brain to decipher). It seems like there’s a hint of Hogwalls being sinister, but I can’t figure out in what way. Is he evil? Did he want Stanley to keep his finger in the hole because Stanley was wrong about what that would do? Did Stanley’s actions actually help bring about the situation he described in his nightmare? And did Hogwalls know that? Is Hogwalls a dog-f***er? And why are the dogs lining up in the parking lot? Is it so they can be f***ed by Hogwalls? Was the thing behind the hole in the wall a dog?

I’m all for a little ambiguity and unanswered questions in a story. I like it when things are left up for reader interpretation. But it seems like the writer intended to convey something here, and I couldn’t pick up on it. Maybe it’s just me.

THE BLACK WAVES

Another cool story, but this one feels a little rough, as if it was one of the ones that was rushed to submit on time, with no time for close review or a second draft. A lot of the sentences seemed to run on longer than they should, with no commas, a couple grammatical errors, etc. I also noticed one continuity error, as what was originally a blunt in Sam’s mouth became a joint a paragraph or two later. But there’s no need to harp on these issues, as I’m sure they would have been corrected with a little more time to devote to a rewrite.

What matters is the story. And it’s a good one. Though the whole “legend has it anyone who watches/hears/visits [insert ominous thing here] dies shortly after” has been done a thousand times before, I’ve never seen it done in conjunction with a musical record, so that was cool. And the way that that was revealed, late in the story, right before he’s about to listen to it, was an effective touch.

What he heard when he played the record backwards was really intense. I would have preferred if this part had been fleshed out just a little more, with a few more disturbing details (but I tend to like extreme horror so that might just be my taste).

A couple more thoughts…

In the beginning, it would have been nice to have a couple sentences explaining the protagonist’s interest in music. It’s clear that this is important to him, but why? What is his background with music, and why is he so passionate about it to go on this quest to find the record?

Right after Sam tells him that listeners die right after they hear it, the narrator goes on to listen without hesitation. A moment of internal doubt/fear, and the subsequent dismissal of those thoughts, would have been an effective touch, and would have helped build up the reader’s anticipation a bit more.

The moment with Caroline, at the very end, was over just a little too quick for my taste. This is the payoff of the story, and it should definitely be kept short lest it lose its hard-hitting impact, but I could have done with maybe a couple more sentences describing Caroline and the narrator’s fear at that moment.

I feel like with a re-write and some minor tweaking, this could really be a dynamite story.

UNTITLED

In this one, I really like the micro¬-writing (the individual sentences, word choices, phrases, etc.), but the macro-writing (the overall story itself) didn’t do much for me, personally.

There are some really skillfully written sentences here. This seems like it was written by a fairly polished writer. I especially liked this phrase: “a single, solitary finger, a Victorian-built 65ft fuck you, stuck out there on the rocks.” That made me smile.

I have one minor ticky-tack critique: I think a few sentences throughout could have used a well-placed comma to help their flow in the reader’s mind. But, as I said, that’s ticky-tack and would surely be worked out during editing.

The only other thing I could say, and I this reflects more about me and my personal taste than it does any flaw in the story, is that, overall, this piece just didn’t do much for me. As a detailing of this few minutes in the narrator’s life, and an examination of his mindset during this crisis, it is effective. The narrator is in isolation, as his mates have both perished, and he is trying to deal with this horrific situation, and that was all executed well. It’s just that, I don’t know, I guess I was expecting something else to happen. The story ends kind of abruptly, and nothing much changed between the story’s beginning and its end. I guess I wanted something more. At least a hint of something terrible, like maybe, at the end when the narrator is hiding under the tarp, instead of his imagination picturing Richard climbing the steps and calling out “come and join us,” if he actually did hear that whispered from the steps below, or thought he heard wet footsteps, I think that would be a deliciously creepy ending. As it is currently written, those things just seem to be scenarios that the narrator’s terror-driven mind is imagining. But like I said, that’s probably just a reflection of my personal wished when I read a story. There’s nothing wrong with keeping it as a realistic snippet of this few minutes of crisis in this man’s life.

FALLING INSIDE THE BLACK

Holy crap this story kicked ass. I’ve already mentioned that I have a particular taste in extreme horror, and this was right up my alley. Combining the creepiness of a psycho in a bunny suit with the “tortured captive” plot was really effective. Not only was this story scary and vicious, but the narrator’s brave, smartass defiance was perfect, and made him easy to root for (not that anything good will be happening for him ☹). Humor is always a nice touch in extreme stories such as this, and it was used effectively here (“I’m hunting wabbits” hehe).

The only thing I would bring up, is the italicized line near the beginning, “The Easter Bunny licked it off.” I may have missed something, but I don’t get what this was trying to say. I understand it’s an introduction to the idea of the bunny costume, and that the Easter Bunny is the name of the knife or scalpel or whatever, but what did it lick off? And why is this line here in this spot? It doesn’t seem to relate to anything before or after it, other than the idea of the man wearing the bunny suit, which comes immediately after it, but still doesn’t seem related. Did the “Easter Bunny” “lick off” his eyes? Is that what this means? I fully conced that I might have just missed some easy connection here because I frequently have senior moments at my ripe age of 30.

Other than that, I really don’t have much to offer in the way of constructive criticism, as, for me, this story was perfectly geared toward my tastes, was well-written, and contained no obvious flaws. Whoever wrote this, kick-ass job! I want to read more of your stuff!

This, along with “Black Wave,” were my two favorite stories of the bunch.

ANOTHER DAY AT THE BEACH

This one has a really cool concept, and I like the reveal late into the story that this is a recurring event, that this person is essentially in their own hell.

The writing itself, however, reads slightly rough to me. Some of the sentences are really well-done, with some cool word choices and analogies, but overall it doesn’t seem to flow as well as it should. I think some of the sentences are too short, maybe, too abrupt? It’s as if this is a beginning writer trying to sound like a polished vet. I have faith that, with more experience, more practice, this writer’s technical craft will improve, because there is obviously talent here.

Also, the reveal that this is a recurring event is well-done, but I think it carries on a bit too long after that. I think the ending would be more effective if it wasn’t explained quite so much. If this information was revealed, and then the story ended quickly afterward, without quite so much exposition (especially the overdone “Bad Thing” that was mentioned), it could have been a knockout ending.

As is, still an effective and enjoyable read of a story with a horrifying concept.

I waited to read others' thoughts on these stories until after I'd posted my own. And now that I've gone back and read them, it's clear that Mr. Stephens is some a recurring character from some previous work. Pardon me, but being a HorrorWorld noob and unfamiliar with you all, I didn't know this, and now that I do, I want more! I loved the character of Mr. Stephens! Can't wait to find out who wrote that piece so I can go find more of their Mr. Stephens stories.

Brent, go to the Writer's Den forum, then click on October 2011 stories. You will see the first Mr.Stephens' story. It is called El Maestro and it has become a sort of classic on the Horror World board.

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Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it

Great reviews, Brent!

I'm itching to guess who did what.

Waiting for Craig to finish it up.

Okay, like I mentioned before, I made the mistake of reading all the other comments first, and now I have no idea what to write. I'll do my best, but I doubt at this point I'll bring up anything that hasn't already been said. Plus, I already know who wrote each story (geez, I hope I'm right...), thus making it harder to not bring pre-conceived notions into my feedback. Oh well, here we go...


Black Wave: I absolutely loved the dark humor in this one. Most of the stories I've read from Tony are pretty dark, or at least have a more serious tone to them. Yet we all know that he is a guy with wit and a cool sense of humor, and I'm glad he gave this a shot. If I recall correctly, I think he read Dead Clown Barbeque by Jeff Strand not too long before we agreed on this exercise - perhaps he was inspired by that.

As for the story, I also am not sure of the ending. We know what the dogs are lining up for, but why? Did Stanley save the world, or didn't he? If not, why? He followed everything from his dream. The only thing I can figure is that Hogwalls gave him the wrong time. Hogwalls did give me a feeling of not being quite right, but that's never truly portrayed in the story.

Also, if Hogwalls is sinister, then the narrator needs to be written closer to Stanley. The dialogue and some of the action makes it feel like Hogwalls is truly disturbed by what Stanley tells him, and wants Stanley to succeed. Also, it says Hogwalls doesn't see the dogs lining up - if he was in on it, would he know?

For the most part, I loved this story. With some work on the gray areas, expanding them out perhaps, I think it could be a strong piece of dark humor fiction.

The Black Waves: This was my favorite story, right up until the end. Good build-up, great backstory. A good job giving us a feel for the characters, even in such a short amount of time. It has that same vivid writing that I always expect and enjoy from Chris, although this one is a bit rougher around the edges - which makes sense, since he said he hammered it out in a day. A few things to nitpick that others already mentioned, so I won't bother with those - my guess is they'd all be cleaned up once Chris went through with an edit.

But that ending just doesn't work for me. It took the awesome, very original premise and turned it into one of countless Japanese horror flicks. I'm cool with the record being the catalyst for something evil, but please, not a dead girl out seeking revenge. Not to mention that the narrator listens to the record immediately after Sam tells him whoever listens to it will die. I could somewhat buy this - I mean, who would believe such non-sense, right? - except he didn't die when he listened to it. He died when he listened to it backwards. And why would Sam warn him about dying, then specifically tell him to play it backwards? And how does Sam know if he's never listened to it?

Like I said: Love the story. Love the premise. But the ending just doesn't work for me.

Untitled: The poetic quality of Janet's writing never ceases to amaze me. Out of all of us here, I'd have to say she's the most polished writer in the group. She took the topic of black waves, and wrote a piece that made me feel claustrophobic within a story where nothing even happens.

But, therein lies the rub. Nothing happens. It rains. Tom stands and calls out for Richard. Tom remembers Harry dying (Tom, Dick, and harry - LOL!). Tom calls out for Richard. It rains. Tom goes and sits under a blanket. The end. As amazing as the writing is in this story, I need something to happen. Even if it's only hinted at - Tom, at the end, believes he hears something outside the sitting room. A noise, a shadow, something to foreshadow a possible impending doom. This could be enough, given the quality of the writing itself. But for the story to be effective, something needs to happen.

Another Day at the Beach: This is one that I really wish I hadn't read the other feedback before I posted mine. Upon first reading it, I loved the story. It took a very basic event, added a lot of dread and foreboding, then announced a nasty twist at the end. The only thing I didn't like was the mentioning of the "Bad Thing" - that either needs to be expounded upon, or it needs to go. Otherwise, a nice little twisted tale.

However, on closer examination, there are some obvious holes that need to be addressed. Tony sums these up quite nicely, so I won't beat it to death. Needless to say, those things should be worked out in order for this story to have the kind of impact it could have - the potential is certainly there. And although Brent is new to this writing thing (Wasn't Meepy the first short story you ever wrote, and it appeared in Eulogies II?), he's shown he has the talent to fix this up into a very cool piece.


Falling Inside The Black: Where to begin? There's no point in critiquing this for the sake of anonymity - everyone except Brent knows I wrote it - but maybe some random thoughts would be okay.

The story itself is a direct sequel to El Maestro. When I suggested this exercise, I hadn't written a short story in a year. I needed something familiar to get my feet wet again. El Maestro had seemed to go over well with everyone, and I liked the character, so I decided to revisit the scene of the crime - after Ashley died, whatever happened to
Ben down in that basement?

This turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. When I wrote El Maestro, Mr. Stephens just naturally flowed out as this quirky-yet-psychotic killer, with humor and absurdity in abundance. This time around, trying to portray him that way felt a bit more forced, with me throwing in bad jokes just to lighten the mood of what was turning into a very dark piece. My writing doesn't tend to be humorous (El Maestro excepted), so trying to force it didn't really work for me. This piece wanted to be dark (a good thing, given Kealan's topic), and I wish I could have let it be that way - I questioned myself that perhaps this shouldn't be a Mr. Stephens story.

As for the time issue. I was hoping to start into the present with our narrator, Ben, and have him segue into what happened during the time since Ashley died, then bring it back around at the end, without the use of story breaks. I was afraid breaks in such a short piece would be jarring, but obviously not having them was jarring as well. One way or another, that has to be fixed.


And with that, I give you all my sincere thanks, both to my fellow contributors, and to everyone who gave feedback. It means a lot to me as I jump back into this writing thing, after an extended break due to finishing up my degree. You all rock!

Lets take this exercise a bit farther then normal. Normally we read and write our opinion but lets discuss this a bit further.

Black Wave- I see most of you didn't get the dogs or wanted to know why they came. But the dogs are what finished this story for me. I didn't need to know why they came. The fact that they came told me that everything that was done didn't work. That brought the horror of the story home to me.

Black Wave 2 - I can agree that the woman at the end was typical story ending. What confused me was how everyone wanted to know why he played the record after being told he would die. Why everyone was confused about why he played it backwards. That portion of the story I totally got. This obviously (to me) was a man who had done some hard core research. Why else would he end up at some random dudes home in order to hear a record that almost no one knows exists. He knew he had to play it backwards. He knew that people died after listening and in pure human nature he believed it wouldn't happen to him.

Untitled. Yup still want more meat in this story. But the premise is great. Is it bad that I wanted some kind of creaking slimy something hinted at?

Another day at the beach - Reread it and still feel the same. I wouldn't change a thing. Creepy as fuck.

Falling inside the black - maybe one or more of those squiggly things that I have no idea what they are called in between the beginning where he is blind and then the meat of the story. These things ~~~~~~~~~~ or something of the sort lol

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I'm not sure I can go further than I have in my comments or others until I hear from the authors addressing the comments or explaining their stories. With that said, I will talk about mine for a short bit.

I always look at this exercise as a way to try something new. This time I wanted to try a story that was dialog driven with just a touch of humor. This sprung from reading Jeff Strands latest short story release. As I read it I studied his style to see what I thought worked and didn't. I had an idea about a guy sticking his finger into a hole to stop the world from being destroyed, much like the Little Dutch Boy did to stop the leak from the dike, and thought that would be an ideal story to put some emphasis on dialog. The humor portion came as I was writing it.

Yes, the dogs lining up at the end mean Stanley's act of valor was for naught. The funny thing is that everyone focused on Hogwall's screwing the dogs, not why they were there, and I didn't expect that. I thought I made it clear early that it was part of Stanley's dream.

I made two error's in the story, one I left for the hell of it and one was unintentional. The unintentional line is where I say something like "that last example really got to Hogwall's". Everyone took that to mean that Hogswall's was screwing dogs. I wanted to show that Hogwall's thought it was the most disgusting of all the items in Stanley's dream. I am going to remove that line in future versions. The other line was a mistake I made in editing when I say at the end that Hogwall's smiled and showed little emotion when answering Stanley's question about his success. I wanted Hogswall to be assuring, not condescending, but it came out wrong in the edit. I thought it might add something to the story so I left it, but I would not have if I realized everyone thought he was screwing dogs.

So that's what I was trying with this one - make it dialog driven and a bit humorous ala Jeff Strand. Thanks for the kind words everyone and thanks for the comments!

I wanted to do something with the UK shipping forecast. When I was a kid we didn't have TV and we used to listen to the radio instead. Top ten records, comedies, creepy radio plays like The Slide, and I remember the shipping
forecast came on at night and was delivered in such a soothing manner it used to send me to sleep. It was like a poem, or a spell; all those strange names (representing segments of water surrounding the British Isles) and I didn't have a clue where some of them were, but it inevitably drew my thoughts toward dark nights, wind and rain. Cut to me as a teenager and I used to hide under the bedsheets and listen to Radio Luxembourg late at night. Occasionally I'd find the shipping forecast, too, and I found it damned spooky at that age. Not sure why.

Back to the story, and unfortunately, beyond that I got a bit stuck until I started researching Bishop's Rock lighthouse and then it was a big rush to get something decent together. I think, in the end, as a source of inspiration Bishop's Rock won.

Couldn't think of any decent character names, and eventually I just spiraled inward and focused on a scene, and went for terror and isolation. It's not something I'm particularly good at and I figured I needed the practice. I'm pleased as punch that some of you thought I'd gotten at least part of the way there. And yes, I really, really want to do something more with this.



Short clip of the forecast:

I'll just talk about the end of my story. It was very rushed and I wasn't happy with it but I didn't have time to revise. I actually like that it is Carol that comes back. I assumed most readers would expect Leroy to come back so I did try to add an element of surprise by making it Carol. Last night I was re-reading Eulogies II and and the ending of Janet's story is something I want to emulate for this story. Her story ends in a similar fashion but she's written it in a unique and horrifying way.

Thad mentioned the rape and murder being on the B side of the record and I like that idea better than the playing it backwards idea. I think I will change it for the future.

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Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it

And thanks to Jody for encouraging more conversation and analysis.

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Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it