Inspiration, Motivation and Masturbation*

Huh. Will you look at that. My contract with Horror World has been extended for one more column (at least until The Goddess of Horror World—heretofore referred to as TGoHW so she won’t think I’m padding my word count with her name—realizes I’ve used “masturbation” in my headline. Although, to be perfectly honest, I don’t recall that particular term being included on the official Horror World list of banned words and phrases I was given when I went through the grueling and humiliating TGoHW Columnist Orientation and Basic Training. That’s why you will never, never, never find me using such off-color expressions like “Cleveland Steamer”, “Dirty Sanchez” and “Pittsburgh Platter” in one of my columns. No, sir, no way, no how) so it’s back to the email inbox.

As always, you can send your Mighty Missives to Pod of Horror *at* AOL dot com, and they will be answered here of on PoH, the favorite horror podcast of TGoHW. Now, you may question the authenticity of the following query, but I chose it because it gives me the opportunity to discuss something that’s been on my mind a lot lately, and that would involve two of the three items in this column’s headline.

Dear Mark,

Dude! I just heard that not only are you a part of that glamorous and lucrative branch of show business known as “small town radio” but that you also write books and stuff. Is this true? If it is, I would gladly swap my life of TV stardom, millions of dollars and unending parties with hookers and porn stars for the electrifying life you lead. But tell me, broski, how do you find time to both work and write?

Sincerely,

C. Sheen

Good question, C., and one I wrestle with virtually every day, along with a gazillion part-time writers. Er, that is, I wrestle with the question, not the other writers. Like a lot of other people, my job is not 9-5. Some days, if I’m lucky, I can get out of the building after eight hours, drive home, kiss my wife, brush the cats, then sit down for a satisfying, productive two or three hours at the keyboard. And by “some days” I mean “once in a blue moon”. Usually I’m at the office for at least nine or ten hours. That’s frequently followed by a live broadcast at a local business. Or an hour or two spent writing scripts at home for the next day’s radio show. After that, if there’s no household emergency or family drama, I get to spend time writing fiction.

Since every minute spent writing is precious, I try to come prepared with at least an idea of where I want the story to go (the story doesn’t always cooperate, but that’s a subject for another column). To do that, I try to find a spare few minutes during the day—whether at lunch or on the drive home—to devote to the current writing project. That usually does the trick. On my days off from the day job, I find some productive planning gets done in the shower. I said planning. No that other thing you were thinking about. Get your mind out of the gutter. Can’t you see I’m trying to be serious here?

In fact, a few days ago, during my shower, the plots for the next three Dead Sheriff books popped into my head, nearly complete in every way.

(For those who care, The Dead Sheriff is a supernatural western series. I like to describe it as the Lone Ranger legend yanked inside out, thrown in a blender and strained through Kirstie Alley’s digestive system. The first book in the series will be out soon and I’ll tell you more about it then.)

Those kind of Eureka moments, with ideas so exciting and detailed, are admittedly rare, but I usually get something useful while engaged in any sort of household drudgery that keeps me away from the television or the Internet.. With no colorful, noisy input, my brain apparently takes a leap into ideaspace and scoops up a few nuggets to bring back home. Cleaning the litter boxes is a particularly fertile time for brainstorming. No pun intended

Thus, the inspiration referred to in our title.

What about the motivation? Easy. That would be deadlines.

I’m not proud of this fact, but I have come to the conclusion that I’m one of those people who performs best with a firm deadline. In my early writing days, I thought nothing would be finer that a leisurely life of writing, with no pressure from editors or publishers.

Ha.

The painful truth is if I don’t have a deadline, I’m not very productive. Of the two projects I’m currently working on, one has a deadline while the other doesn’t. Guess which one is getting the most attention? Maybe it’s just the way I’m wired, or perhaps it’s due to years of working a job that is nothing but deadlines. In any case, I find the calendar to be a powerful motivator.

Now, for the third item on our headline menu—

Oh. Excuse me a second. An email just popped up.

Dear Underling,

If you wish to collect your exorbitant and, frankly, undeserved fee for this column, you will not—I repeat NOT—devote any of your word count to describing acts of, ah, self-pleasuring.

That…term will most definitely be included in the next edition of the official Horror World list of banned words and phrases.

Have a Nice Day,

The Goddess of Horror World

Whoa. Hold up there, TGoHW. I’m not about to go all Pee Wee Herman on you. Check out the footnote below right after the asterisk. Although, I do have to say you’re sounding a little tense, and—

Oops. End of the column. See you next time. Keep those questions coming.

*This column contains no actual masturbation. The word was used strictly in the interest of titillation and as a tool to get you to read the whole page. This message brought to you by Jergens® Lotion and Kleenex® brand tissues.