NIGHTMARES ILLUMINATED. The column for horror evangelists. 054 Back East Where the Crazy Makes Sense

For the love of god, why do I keep moving? Back now on the gentle shores of Lake Champlain I feel pretty good. If there really is a conflict between East and West in the US, put on the East roster. Now and always. But I digress. If I think back to just a few days ago my memories of the actual physical moving process seems like an act of violence, self-inflicted. The real question is: Why did I go out west anyway? Answer: Uuuuuhhh. Sure, it’s nice to have money, I guess, but having enough money is enough. Always burning your days up trying to get even more makes you miserable. It does me, anyway. People are different. Some of you crazy fanatics out there probably enjoy the rush of continual pressure and stress, right? Do what you do, then. For me, after chasing the groundhog out from under the deck in the morning, I just want to sit in the sun for a while and read a nice book.

It has been a weird couple of months. If only I had books to read.

There are a lot of big books coming out this summer that I haven’t got my hands on yet so I am a little itchy there. Stephen King and Clive Barker have new books coming out any minute, and Dean Koontz has one later this year. I am still excited to read anything these guys – and Peter Straub – put out. Good times.

Now is when you all feel sorry for me. Because of the move, all my books are still packed right now (except for an omnibus edition of His Dark Materials) so I only have access to digital editions of reading material. I know the media will have you believe that everyone reads books on their cell phones nowadays with a giant delighted grin on their face, but I fucking hate digital reading. Still, in the context of this column, it is part of my job. {I do have to admit, when it comes to comics, digital versions do look fantastic on my gargantuan widescreen monitor. This might be a slippery slope…} Also, I am worn down to the nub (insert your favorite mental image here) by all the heavy lifting required by the moving process so digital reading would be even harder on me now than it usually is, you know? Because of this structural rigidity, and because I am a little bit lazy, I have decided to focus this month on non-reading topics.

Summer is coming and that means music. There are two tours that, as horror enthusiasts, we really need to get out and see: The Missing Link tour and the Mayhem Festival. The Missing Link tour is Mastodon and Clutch co-headlining with support from Graveyard at most performances. Clutch is coming off the incredible Earth Rocker tours that have been going on for a year and half and they are performing new material from their upcoming release. After this tour they are off to Europe for a while so now is the time. Mastodon’s astonishing Once More ’Round the Sun is the basis of their work for the tour. Over the years, Mastodon has moved away from the screaming noise of their earliest work to a more power-groove vibe which matches Clutch perfectly. I don’t know how this teaming came to be, but it is as close to heavy perfect as you can get. I have tickets for three dates over widely dispersed geographical places. I want to see if they sound different in Iowa than they do in Massachusetts. I predict it’ll be a great night every time.

The Mayhem Festival has been a real hit-and-miss affair over the past few years. A couple years back I went because Motorhead was on the main stage (of three). It was a good day – eleven or twelve hours of heavy metal. Last year the line-up was so weak I didn’t give it a second thought. But this year, ladies and gentlemen, King Diamond and Slayer are on the main stage. King Diamond, the anti-christ himself. King Diamond, the founding shrieker of Mercyful Fate, one of the earliest satanic metal bands. After that killer EP with “Nuns Have No Fun” on it that nobody bought, two seminal works followed, Melissa and Don’t Break the Oath. I cannot even count the number of times I have listened to Melissa front to back. Not to be morbid, but it is hard to say how many more tours King Diamond has in him, so this summer is an excellent opportunity to catch an absolute icon of black metal. Slayer is always a plus – a great live band with a lot of violent energy. These rest of the bands don’t even matter, do they? Although my life would be complete if Venom was somehow squeezed onto the bill. A man can dream.

I haven’t seen the new Avengers movie yet. I want to. I love the character Ultron and the Marvel movies have been really good, haven’t they. I am starting to wonder, though, if they’re played. Consider, if you will, Iron Man. I loved the first Iron Man movie, and the second one was really good, too. But the third movie? Was I the only one who wondered aloud if he had seen enough robot-looking things? Watching the trailers for Avengers: The Age of Ultron you know what I see? I see a Destroy All Monsters cast and a lot robot-looking things. I think I want to see it but I am starting to wonder if I really want to see it. What will I do? Tune in next time to find out.

Speaking of next time, there will be more on the written word. I promise. Probably more on music, too. Yeah, all right, movies as well. O! And one more thing: a monologue of my experience binge watching Ancient Aliens with my 76-year-old father-in-law from India. You don’t want to miss that.

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