Thank you very much for this wonderful honor. A lot of you are probably surprised to see me standing on this stage tonight, considering that it was not my name announced as the winner. But though you have chosen somebody else for this year's recipient of the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a Novel, I would like to take this opportunity to plead my case and hopefully change your mind.

You see, I'm not the kind of author who's going to get many chances to win this thing. Gary Braunbeck, Tom Piccirilli, Stephen King...they've already got Stokers. A couple each, actually. Jonathan Maberry is also up for Best First Novel this year, so why not give him that one instead? Let's share the love and stop the Stoker hoarding!

I need this. Oh, God, I need this. I mean, do you think I'm gonna win a frickin' Stoker for THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE? This is IT for me, people! So I was thinking that maybe we could do an impromptu re-vote, just amongst the people in this room, and see what happens.

We wouldn't even have to announce it. For the press releases and interviews and stuff we could say that the other guy won, but just let me take home the trophy, okay? It doesn't even have to be forever. One month. That's all I'm asking. Let me borrow the Stoker for one month, and I promise I'll give it back. That's cool with everybody, right? Three weeks. Three short weeks and I'll mail it to the winner. I'll even pay for Priority shipping with delivery confirmation.

Yes, I know the winner worked hard for this honor, but look at my eyes. Do you see the desperation in them? I don't want to beg. Please don't make me beg.

Really? Oh...that's so great! Thank you! Thank all of you! Seriously? You've got a buffer right there? Well, yeah, let's get that other name off the nameplate right now! You all don't know how much I appreciate this. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Blow kisses to the audience.]

As usual you are funny. I hope if you win (fingers crossed) that you do give a wonderfully funny speech. please post

Suzy

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Suzy

There must have been some very frightened people when you were nominated.

About the recount, I think the opposition stole Ohio. (See, that joke would be funny if people actually cared about representative democracy.) Votes are not given, they're taken.

I just read the review of THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE in Rue Morgue. Hell, maybe it could win a Stoker.

I'm guilty of not reading it, but I should get mega-kudos for reading the review. See, that's loyalty. I'm sure a lot of people just jumped and bought the book. Not me. I awaited instructions from my fearless leader. What did my fearless leader say? Check out the review in Rue Morgue.

I want my 72 Virgins.