Man, it's about 5 degrees here right now. This goes beyond frozen ball jokes. I need warm soup, Eva wearing only suntan lotion, sun lamps, a nuclear powered heater to thaw out my ass.
In an effort to show just how damn cold it really is, I will now interview a squirrel named Fred who lives in my backyard:
Q: Fred, can you confirm or deny reports that your nuts are absolutely frozen?
Fred: "Not only are my nuts frozen solid, but my ears have a coating of black ice on them.
Q: Have you read the latest Tim Curran?
Fred: "What the hell kind of question is that? I just confessed to my nuts being frozen. Asshole."
Q: All right. Settle down. Are other squirrels in as bad shape as you are?
Fred: "Two of my brothers were found frozen to bird feeders the other day. And don't ever tell me to settle down, or I'll plug a bullet in each of your kneecaps and watch you bleed."
Q: Are you related to the terrorist squirrel that tried to kill Ttzuma last year?
Fred: "I can answer that, but then I'd have to kill you and bury parts of your body for food."
Q: I heard there is no end in sight to the freezing temps. Do you think you'll survive?
Fred: "You suck! This interview is over!"
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