There's life in here now, stirring, vibrant, filled with color, unafraid. I only wanted a little belief in myself, the time that got away from me, made me lose direction, like bad religion and my individuality, trying to make people happy, giving them the benefit of the doubt, when none of it mattered, only what you thought, what you felt, how you cared. People will tell you a million different things, how to think, how to act, what you're feeling. Everybody is on their road -- the experience of the soul and how far it has to travel. Feelings are the language of the soul, or so I was told, or read somewhere, and I believe that. People can tell you what they think of you and that's their opinion. Why do you have to defend yourself all the time anyway? You don't have to. Everyone has a different definition to what selfishness is, strength, love, God, mortality, even being a man or a woman. That's what's beautiful. It's what makes us different. Six billion viewpoints. My god, that's a lot! It doesn't have to gel with your own, of course. Like minded individuals are out there. There's plenty to go around. And if you're always changing for the better, that should be enough. Recently, someone, a very dear friend, mentioned how pain comes from a lack of acceptance. And I believe that, too. It is the way it is, the way it goes, and people are the way they are. So, despite what your opinions are, suck it up. Love them and yourself, despite how you think, and you have traveled light years. Right and wrong are only defined by perception. It's different for everyone. Forgiveness and acceptance are in short supply. We are not on trial here. We don't need our attorneys to defend us, despite what we're accused of. Have you ever felt that, that you were being drilled to such an extent by some stranger, you suddenly felt you needed your lawyer present? Our hearts are our deepest reflections of ourselves, and everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, has something inside that makes them beautiful in ways others cannot be. It's the talent to see it that matters and means most, I think. If you are taking the time to look well beyond and into the soul of someone, how can you not see them as beautiful? I don't think people are genuinely bad. Misguided perhaps, but not bad.
I had an experience with my therapist the other day that was insanely intense, like nothing I have ever felt or been though before. Talking to him, I mentioned, in a joking manner, something about the Demon Voice that has been haunting me my whole life. My therapist mentioned how I'd brought up that Demon Voice more than once, and he wanted to talk more about it. "Would you like to try an experiment?" he said. I raised my eyebrows. "I want you to be the Demon Voice, play the role, and I want you to talk to yourself, and say everything the Demon Voice has said to you over your whole life." I was already terrified. The very thought was enough to rattle my cage, but to make a long story short, I agreed. And I have not felt the same since. I sat in a chair and pretended I was facing myself, me, Brandon, who was sitting on the couch, and I delivered every hateful, vicious, vindictive, bloodthirsty thing I have ever heard that voice of self-destruction say. My heart was pounding, palms sweating. My therapist told me to pay attention to what was happening to my body. I tried to breathe. Then I switched roles, sitting on the couch, addressing the demon from my own point of view, disagreeing with everything he said, of course, banishing him from my life, and telling him to go away forever. I did this role reversal several times. The experience was so intense, it took me almost half an hour to calm down and catch my breath. But not just for a day, but for days afterward, I felt it all slip away, the anger, the pain, the turmoil, torment, sadness, confusion, all right there. My heart felt solid, my entire body, my posture, the way I walked, saw the world, everything was different, like someone had given me an I-beam for a spine. What a relief after all those years! This may sound funny, but I felt indestructible, strong in ways I never had, as if the person I'd been trying to be my whole life finally broke free. I did not cry in joy. I smiled in self-assurance instead. I had never been so thankful for anything in my life, had never experienced anything so terrifying and so beautiful at the same time. I almost wish I could do it again. When it was over, it was like waking from a very long dream. I had certainly taken a trip. Anyway, I wanted to share that for those of you who follow my blogs because it was such a powerful experience. Thanks for listening.
It's always about so much more than writing, and art, and reading great work, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Those used to be the most important aspects to me, and they still are, to an extent. But, as you get older, your perspective changes, and the things that used to be important to you are not so much, and things you never thought much about became more critical to your overall peace of mind. I heard this a million time growing up, and the teenage angst rolled its eyes. But here it is now. It is experience, that life blood that maims, heals, and forces us to grow, that guides us. Experience is our teacher, Love, our best friend, Strength and Forgiveness the weapons we wield for peace of mind. So, that begins to sound a little sappy and cliche, yes? I have delivered my share of pain, and been hurt in return. So, no surprise that old friend Karma rears its head when it does. The past is in the past because that's where it belongs. Don't dwell. Learn form it, and move on. (I can't believe I just said that, a man who has lived his life dwelling in the fantasies of yesteryear, but it's not doing me any good, not here, this moment, not tomorrow. The oldest cliche in the world, and maybe that's why.) So, I let go, at least I tried my damndest, after a lot of years, though I still feel a slight tug of pain at times over things said, not forgotten. I guess that's natural. I'm still learning, experimenting with letting go. I'm not here for revenge or vindication, except for myself. I'm looking for redemption outside death, right here on the planet. That's part of my goal, I think. Redemption, here, now, at some point in my life. I think that's a noble pursuit. My heart, my thoughts, my experience, are all that matter, and by those things am I defined. But how I have responded, learned, and felt along the way is what's important, too. At least to me. The painful things can be great teachers. You hear that all the time. And yes, sometimes those old cliches are cliches for a reason. Sometimes, I think I'm the only one trying to figure it out still, that everyone else has done this long before me. Does it feel like that for you? I'm not saying anything, in other words, you haven't already heard or figured out on your own. But maybe just reaching out and acknowledging all this can help someone, too, as much as it is helping me by writing it. I've told people, dear friends, in fact, that I am writing a self-help book for myself. One that never ends, apparently.
So, reluctantly, and taking a deep breath, I walk into the light of day, not knowing what will come or what will happen, but knowing I have the confidence to survive, because nothing has killed me yet, and I am still fighting, my heart still beating, and for the most part, pretty damn optimistic, smiling, and confident that everything is going to be okay, and that's good enough for me. Jesus, I look back and would've never imagined the things that have happened, did, in fact, happen to me, but strangely glad they did. Who I am today would be different without them, I know, and I don't like that idea. I'm pretty damn happy knowing I am who I am these days, and I wouldn't want to be anybody else. For me, and for those who know me, that's saying a mouthful. It has been endless miles of failures, rejections, and self-deprecations. Ah, that ugly beast, finally slain! Stay down, Beast! I look over the words, and yes, I believe them. I can't believe I believe them, but yes; and I laugh, because I do believe them. Maybe this is part of the goal, one of the massive hurdles, the giant leap. I will try not to condemn myself for wondering why it didn't happen sooner.
These have been the best two years of my life, easily. All emotions, feelings, good and bad, have been brutal, raw, and very very real, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sensitive, yes, thank God! I've had a lot of years of pent up emotion waiting to come out, and finally it has. I have lived, loved, lost and cried and felt those things the way a man should. I have been lucky to have the experiences I've had, despite how painful. At least I was able to feel and love, and that is something I can be content with and accept. To hold someone dear to you, and know you adore them with every fiber of your soul, that you have never loved anyone as much as you love that person in that one moment, that you know it, without a doubt, coursing through your veins like electricity, wondering if everyone gets to feel this, and for those who don't, how unfair, how sad, and how you wish you could give everyone a piece of that! It's funny to see the hurt and the sadness, but still know you are a better man because of it. That is the lesson I take from pain, that everyone takes, I suppose. I have embraced every sadness, every hurt, every glorious, mounting joy, and I recall the best of those times, mountain peaks, laughter, and the ageless, timeless mind, those moments, defined by the electricity moving through me, mounting, knowing I am more truly alive in those moments than I have ever been, and that more of those moments are possible. So, forgive me, if my posts fail to coincide these days with art, writing, the darker genres or literary aspects, in general. I guess, I feel like this is more important, at least to me. I find my biggest strengths these days are truth and looking myself in the eye, knowing what I see is real, and that nothing can sway me, and that it doesn't matter what others think of me, because in my heart of hearts, truth cannot and will not be ignored. Humanity is experience, and experience is a series of wrongs, mistakes, and the lessons learned from them. But it doesn't always have to be like that. You don't have to have pain in order to learn anything, grow, and thrive. Joy is just as knowledgeable a teacher, and thank God for that. Love reminds us what we're here for. Anger and hate are the beasts that destroy. Strange, coming from a man who spends most of his time penning horror, or at least darker tales. I've decided that just because I enjoy writing about suffering, doesn't mean I have to suffer myself anymore. There's a story in there somewhere, I'm sure.
I have been confused along the way, we all have, and our stories make us unique, and if we piled everybody's wrongs in front of us, seeing what everybody else had to go through, I think we would easily take back our own. We were made to climb out of this, to be strong enough for what we have to deal with. It's easier to say that now, of course. I guess, I love that life is such a beautiful teacher, and that expression helps us define and understand our errors, ourselves, others, and even our own pain. But the part I always forget, is just the opposite, how experience can teach you about joy, truth, and love, and how the soul and the mind can experience that just as easily, just as often, that it is capable of it. That it is real. That has got to be the most beautiful thing in existence. I look back, astounded by how many changes I've made, and the people I have been over the years, and at times, I am spellbound I managed to survive at all, being those people so easily influenced, beholden to the basest weaknesses, and unable to resist every vice and temptation. I have never felt more lucky, more loved, more human in my life as I do now, and I owe that to the choices I've made and the people I've surrounded myself with. And I guess, what I'm trying to express, is that no matter what it's been like, or how hard, that gratitude is the main thing that comes from it must mean something. That despite all that, what you went through, that you could still be glad it happened, and thankful for it, for whatever your reasons may be. That has to be part of the goal, too, I think. God would have to smile down at you for that.
So, I think I've stood on my soap box long enough. I just felt it, and well, these days, I have to take advantage of every opportunity to write, no matter what the material may be, and I think it helps me understand easier. and I am always looking for understanding. Of course, I never mind sharing. I am sincerely indebted to the people who have listened and helped me, who have been my backbone, encouraged me along the way, taught me lessons, gave me their insight, and they all know who they are. For the lessons I have been taught, and what I learned through every relationship I've had, and how those special women have only made me a better man, I am also thankful. If I hadn't felt so much pain, despite what we went through together, it would mean I hadn't loved so much, either, and I like the realization, the truth in that statement. It's true, you cannot understand true love without true pain. It's a hard one to swallow, but I understand it, at least. Those lessons, whatever they may have been, and what I had to face, might have been hard, but face them I did, and it wouldn't have happened otherwise without those experiences.
So, with all that, it begins to blossom. And each day, holds a promise unlike the one before. And I hold the sacred heart of experience close to my chest, like a lover, you could say, and I look up, not so much wondering why these days, but just wondering in general over the beautiful mystery of it all, waiting for another perspective to change, and what new understandings may come, and how the longer I keep this close to my heart, and live for these precious seconds, it can only get better. Not a bad way to go about it. To think that the longer you hold true to yourself, the more precious it becomes, the more you will love yourself, the more peace of mind you will find, the more you will love. I think the soul is here for its own experience, and we are the vessels that allow it to feel and reconnect with God, so God can experience the joy, the pain, the sorrow, and love though us again, and the cycle goes on. How else could He know Everything? Stop fighting it and learn to embrace it instead, I guess, is another lesson there. I think I must be getting spiritual again, or at least trying. I have read a few of those books lately, and maybe this post is the result. Maybe that's my lesson to myself these days. Expect nothing, accept everything, and you will always be pleasantly surprised and without pain. Embrace everything about you and outside you. Well, it's a nice thought, and maybe it's about time...But like I said, you might have figured this out long before me, so kudos to you.
Stay safe and enjoy the Holidays, Everyone! May this season treat you better than you have ever been treated. By God, you deserve it!