The Ghosts of Mertland, help

CDennisMoore2 · **Joined:** Sun Mar 18, 2012 5:34 pm **Posts:** 490

All, this is, possibly, the product description for my novel THE GHOSTS OF MERTLAND, going live, hopefully, in the next few days. Any feedback on how this reads would be GREATLY appreciated:

"Horror author C. Dennis Moore returns to the town of Angel Hill, site of his bestselling haunted house novel THE THIRD FLOOR, for another tale in the ongoing saga of this dark and twisted place.

When Mandy Malone found herself suddenly single with no way to pay the bills, she took the first job she could get. Then again, some would argue the job chose her.

Mandy is about to start as a caregiver at the Mertland Childrens’ Home in Angel Hill, Missouri, a town that keeps its secrets by hiding them in plain sight. For the Mertland Home, this means ghosts. Word around town is the place is haunted, and for the workers at Mertland, they make no bones about it: it is. But if Mandy can keep her wits and remember the rules of dealing with these ghosts, she just might have found her calling.

Unbeknownst to Mandy, however, she’s brought along a few ghosts of her own.

Mandy has no idea what’s in store for her, but what she finds is so far removed from anything she could have expected, she’ll be lucky if she makes it til dawn with her sanity intact. The Mertland Childrens’ Home turns out to have more twists, turns and dark, shadowy corners than Mandy thought, and when she discovers the truth at the heart of the place, all she wants to do is go home.

Unfortunately, as her co-worker Lynn tells her, “the building likes you.”

Can Mandy escape this new Hell, or have her past sins finally come back to haunt her, for good?"

ttzuma · **Joined:** Wed Feb 14, 2007 10:15 pm **Posts:** 13517

In my very unprofessional opinion, I think it's too busy. My suggestion is to cut rather than change. I've removed a few sentences from the text above. Take it for what it's worth Dennis, which ain't all that much

"Horror author C. Dennis Moore returns to the town of Angel Hill, site of his bestselling haunted house novel THE THIRD FLOOR, for another tale in the ongoing saga of this dark and twisted place.

Mandy Malone is about to start as a caregiver at the Mertland Childrens’ Home in Angel Hill, Missouri, a town that keeps its secrets by hiding them in plain sight. For the Mertland Home, this means ghosts. Word around town is the place is haunted, and for the workers at Mertland, they make no bones about it: it is.

Unbeknownst to Mandy, however, she’s brought along a few ghosts of her own.

Mandy has no idea what’s in store for her, but what she finds is so far removed from anything she could have expected, she’ll be lucky if she makes it til dawn with her sanity intact. The Mertland Childrens’ Home turns out to have more twists, turns and dark, shadowy corners than Mandy thought, and when she discovers the truth at the heart of the place, all she wants to do is go home.

Unfortunately, as her co-worker Lynn tells her, “the building likes you.”

CDennisMoore2 · **Joined:** Sun Mar 18, 2012 5:34 pm **Posts:** 490

Cool, thanks so much. I like the shorter version much better.

Jazminsdaddy · **Posted:** Thu Aug 08, 2013 3:01 pm

Some of it sounds cliched or generic.

I like Tony's version but I don't like ending on: Unfortunately, as her co-worker Lynn tells her, “the building likes you.”

Doesn't sound quite as menacing as it should.

CDennisMoore2 · **Joined:** Sun Mar 18, 2012 5:34 pm **Posts:** 490

There were a few other options for which quote to include, but I think most of them give away too much.

I'm trying to gain interest without spoiling.

Any suggestions?

ttzuma · **Joined:** Wed Feb 14, 2007 10:15 pm **Posts:** 13517

Funny, I think that does sound menacing enough to grab my attention. It's only my opinion though.

Jazminsdaddy · **Posted:** Thu Aug 08, 2013 4:23 pm

Let's see what Janet says. I bet she will have some good suggestions. (no pressure Janet)

CDennisMoore2 · **Joined:** Sun Mar 18, 2012 5:34 pm **Posts:** 490

Here's the version I just posted to my blog. I've added a little, deleted a little more:

Horror author C. Dennis Moore returns to the town of Angel Hill, site of his #1 bestselling haunted house novel THE THIRD FLOOR, for another tale in the ongoing saga of this dark and twisted place.

Mandy is about to start as a caregiver at the Mertland Childrens’ Home in Angel Hill, Missouri, a town that keeps its secrets by hiding them in plain sight. For the Mertland Home, this means ghosts. Word around town is the place is haunted, and for the workers at Mertland, they make no bones about it: it is. There are disobedient reflections, the third floor hallway that few ever return from, and a dark force lurking in the woods out back. But if Mandy can keep her wits and remember the rules of dealing with the ghosts, she just might have found her calling.

Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Mandy, she’s brought a few ghosts of her own, and when she discovers the truth at the heart of the place, all she wants to do is go home.

Unfortunately, as her co-worker Lynn tells her, “the building likes you.”

JJHolden · **Joined:** Sat Apr 23, 2011 1:25 am **Posts:** 1712

CDennisMoore2 · **Joined:** Sun Mar 18, 2012 5:34 pm **Posts:** 490

MENACING reflections, much better. Thanks.

ttzuma · **Joined:** Wed Feb 14, 2007 10:15 pm **Posts:** 13517

There are disobedient reflections? You lost me as I was reading. My mind went to two things: mirrors and children. Though Janet's change took away the mirror impression.

Unbeknownst? Too easy for someone to trip over that word in a blurb.

Aren't you glad you asked? : )

JamesEverington · **Posted:** Fri Aug 09, 2013 3:03 am

Commenting on the last version:

The last two lines now both being with "unfortunately".

I agree that the last line is very good; I think you can maybe get to it quicker though. In particular I think this could be made more concise: For the Mertland Home, this means ghosts. Word around town is the place is haunted, and for the workers at Mertland, they make no bones about it: it is.

Hope this helps.

CDennisMoore2 · **Joined:** Sun Mar 18, 2012 5:34 pm **Posts:** 490

WTF? How the hell did I not realize I had "unfortunately" twice there? DER!

CDennisMoore2 · **Joined:** Sun Mar 18, 2012 5:34 pm **Posts:** 490

The Ghosts of Mertland is finally available. Thanks to Dave Barnett for the awesome cover:

http://www.amazon.com/Ghosts-Mertland-A ... 547&sr=1-1

Hellolost · **Joined:** Mon Mar 17, 2008 11:58 am **Posts:** 2120

OK I am late but being "just" a reader I thought I would give you my opinion If I picked up the book and read the blurb.

Horror author C. Dennis Moore returns to the town of Angel Hill, site of his #1 bestselling haunted house novel THE THIRD FLOOR, for another tale in the ongoing saga of this dark and twisted place. My first thought here was did I have to read the other book to enjoy this? This means I most likely would put it down if I hadn't read the first one.

Mandy is about to start as a caregiver at the Mertland Childrens’ Home in Angel Hill, Missouri, a town that keeps its secrets by hiding them in plain sight. For the Mertland Home, this means ghosts. Word around town is the place is haunted, and for the workers at Mertland, they make no bones about it: it is. There are disobedient reflections, the third floor hallway that few ever return from, and a dark force lurking in the woods out back. But if Mandy can keep her wits and remember the rules of dealing with the ghosts, she just might have found her calling. This paragraph would make me want the book. Although I would be curious about what rules.

Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Mandy, she’s brought a few ghosts of her own, and when she discovers the truth at the heart of the place, all she wants to do is go home. I feel like this tells me what is going to happen and I kind of would like to not know

Unfortunately, as her co-worker Lynn tells her, “the building likes you.” I am pretty sure this sentence would have more impact if part of the previous paragraph

Like I said I am just a reader. You have a few seconds to catch me on the blurb. The cover normally will catch my eye but I can know within a few sentences of the blurb if I am keeping the book or not. And if this was on something like Amazon the cover doesn't matter quite as much so your blurb better knock me out of the park quickly.

CDennisMoore2 · **Joined:** Sun Mar 18, 2012 5:34 pm **Posts:** 490

Speaking of covers, Dave Barnett put it together for me from a picture I took on the way home from work one day. I think he did an even better job than he did on the Third Floor cover:

http://www.amazon.com/Ghosts-Mertland-A ... 281&sr=1-1

ttzuma · **Joined:** Wed Feb 14, 2007 10:15 pm **Posts:** 13517

That is a nice cover!

The Ghosts of Mertland, help

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