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[ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4668: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3815) [phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4670: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3815) [phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4671: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3815) [phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4672: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3815) Horror World • View topic - OCTOBER STORIES 2011
I agree that it was the point of the story, what I guess what I was trying to say was, that without length constraints, would the story have headed into a different direction? I have no idea who wrote this, but I am going to guess (though every single guess I've made so far has been wrong) that the author imagined the ending to the story as he was nearing its finish, not that he had the ending first and then wrote the story around it.
The Deal - Polished, but I was glad when the POV switched because I wanted to know all about Joey. Just me, but I wanted to follow him and find out more, and I would have liked to have seen him get the bulk of the story instead of his poor victim. Maybe a little more on whatever the heck was dwelling in that house, too.
Gamorrah Falls - a lot of amazing stuff packed in here. Wonderful ideas, bit too much for a story of this length. I loved reading about the family, and the crow jars, but in order to give it all room to breathe it would mean shoving one of those subjects unceremoniously in the 'too much exposition' corner, which was a shame. I suspect this is really a 10,000 word story in disguise, and if expanded would turn out to be a good combination of history and horror. I also thought the set ups at the beginning and at the end were very well done.
Walker - I tripped over this a little at the beginning via the initial dialogue. I needed just a little more 'he said' here and there, just to give me an idea who was speaking. Apart from that I thought the middle section rocked hard. Very suspenseful, excellent tension. I also loved the wrap up except for that very last line. JMHO, I'd blow away 'to the mystery' and incorporate the rest into the line above ( - but I'm in no hurry to find the answers) just to tighten up the tempo a little bit. And this is probably why I don't make a living as an editor.
Excerpt - love the ideas behind this one. Part Fringe, part X Files, part Chernobyl. There's definitely a novel's worth of plot in here. Needs work on the nuts and bolts, structure, composition. And it's all crushed in. Some things need pulling out then they can be given their own space. Overall, I thought the epilogue stepped up and wasn't half bad.
Across the Street - I was expecting... something different to what I got at the end, and it took me by surprise. But that was my fault for wandering down a path of assumption. Nicely written, some very good insight into the neighborhood, and after a while I felt like I belonged there, maybe a few doors down, stood outside watching everything at a distance, muttering about damned kids and how that Matthew never was any good.
El Maestro - I don't know what to say... I mean, I'm approaching the end, I'm giggling manically and I'm thinking oh wow, how much worse can it get? And then I find out, and I am in AWE of that ending. Pitch perfect. In awe, I tell you.
The Beach - I stumbled over the tenses a little, just after the beginning of the tale, but apart from that I thought the story was absolutely beautiful. Very different, and possibly my favorite.
My Sister - some odd metaphors and similes, but I found this quite scary and I loved the volte face treatment of the subject matter. The man and his van and the lollipops really struck a chord. And nicely wrapped up at the end.
Burning Rain - post apocalyptic cannibalism! Yes! If I was to nit pick, I think I would have felt more empathy toward the narrator had I known age and gender right from the get go. As it stands, I'm unable to get under her skin and it reads a little too anonymously, a little flat. Having said that, I liked hearing about what happened to everyone, and this was another story with a wicked final paragraph. I think story wrap ups are difficult to get right, and this was very nice.
He Who Has Beautiful Eyes that Are a Blessing From God
Joined: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:51 am Posts: 3583 Location: Toronto
Great observations JJ! I'm with you on the importance of endings. A great ending can turn a mediocre story into a great one.
_________________ Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it
He Who Has Beautiful Eyes that Are a Blessing From God
Joined: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:51 am Posts: 3583 Location: Toronto
Here are some of my guesses....
Tony - Burning Rain Thad - Walker Craig - Insane Teacher Story Dennis Latham - The Deal
Also, let's get going on the comments people! If you submitted try to comment. Even non-submitters please comment (Hello, Nanci, Goth, Kurt, etc etc).
_________________ Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it
The Beach-- The writing on this was very good. Everything flowed and there was some great imagery. That said, there is something that sort of took me out of the story. Folklore was mentioned early on, but not again. I know we stated that the topic only had to be stated in passing, but unless there's some sort of legend or folklore about what the character did at the end, I don't see what the line had to do with the story. I think if the line had been phrased a little differently or what, but it made me expect something that wasn't coming, though some of that is my fault for thinking I knew where the story was going. Like I said, though, the writing itself was wonderful.
My Sister-- I liked this one because it was about something that almost everyone worries about, i.e., a sibling or child being abducted, so it really struck a chord. I could feel the boy's dread and guilt as his sister was getting in the van. I agree with Chris on the willpower the man finds to keep himself alive in hopes of finding out what happened to his sister.
Burning Rain-- I appreciate this writer attempting to do something different than what we've seen here. I didn't mind that you don't know the gender of the narrator because it really doesn't matter to me in the context of the story. I see inspiration from a couple of different authors here. I could tell the author wasn't quite comfortable with the creatures that are mentioned in the story, though. And it did leave me wondering, what happens when there's only two kids left?
All in all, I think there were some strong writing this time around, some of the strongest yet, but it just felt like some chose an idea that might have benefitted by 2000 word limit instead of 1500. You're always going to have one or two of those an exercise, though, so next time I don't think this will really be so much of an issue.
He Who Has Beautiful Eyes that Are a Blessing From God
Joined: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:51 am Posts: 3583 Location: Toronto
_________________ Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it
I've been off my computer for 2 days... but i'm catching back up on all the reading and threads...
I'll make some quick comments:
Really Liked the Deal, well paced, straight forward, nice pov shift.
Gemorrah Falls should be a longer work, its like the end of the story and i kinda want to see/experience it all... plus i have a soft spot for vampire/monster/demon infused killer/assassin type stories, i like guns and action and all that. So i'm biased.
Walker has the creepy campfire, kids telling stories to scare other kids. Amospheric and very good, the whole were are they now at the end of ths story is a good touch.
Across the Street struck as an anecdote, a true story of something happening in any normal town, it made me sad.
My Sister... loved the imagery of the van and the man/ "creature" driving it... the bones need to be covered in blood... loved all that, and the hope of the narrator at the end... love it.
Burning Rain-- unlike Tony i do enjoy post apoc and sci-fi... though this is a horror story first... you are left wondering exactly whats going on in the world though... it makes it seem like the adults went crazy and want to eat their children... NOT like its just cannabals going after kids.... it seems specifically that adults eat kids (this is further compounded by the narrator mentioning that her baby would be breakfast... childbearing= adulthood, rite of passage... etc) Also the last line is a nice twisted sense of humour... also the names were great i read a lot of Glen Cook and Steven Erikson and the names that reflect who the character is... these perfect nicknames... loved it.
The Beach-- i will admit i'm confused, i might need to re-read the story... like they're on the beach and i thought it was a man and a woman... but then like the guy says he has to say good bye (here i thought the woman was going to be a ghost/ lady in white and she would fade with dawn.... nope) and then HE vanishes ansd the girl goes into the water and i'm like did this guy make her drown herself..?? Then who is the woman at the end...?? So i got lost in this one.
Maestro.... actually made me mad.... which on thinking about it i guess is the BEST compliment. Not really the type of thing i want to read... the weird bits and some of the imagery is GREAT... the passage JD has highlighted above (or a page back) the love letters and loooking up students skirts is great... but the teachers manical temper tantrum (a clue that he is REALLY unstable) had me hating the character and then when he appears and tells them to enter the house... NOPE, i just thought kids would run, they wouldn't step into the house... etc, that all said it got me worked up and that is what art is supposed to be about, making an emotional impact on the reader/ viewer. A lot of fun it was though it had me yelling at the teacher and at the kids...
I hope that last one comes across properly, that i'm understood.
Anywho, these were all great... its 1am here so i need to hit the bed.
In the past, I've always responded to all the submitted stories in one big post, but with so many entries this time, the longer length, and the fact that it is 12:30 a.m. I will comment one by one as I read them. I'll get to them all eventually. I've also tried to ignore all the reviews/comments posted so far in order to further eliminate any bias on my part.
THE DEAL: I found the descriptive writing to be very well done for the most part. At the very beginning I thought it might be a little overkill, but it settled down after that and I found myself getting into the flow.
Definitely liked seeing Joey's perspective near the end. I wouldn't have minded getting a little more from him, though, since he's the one pushing all the action along.
Upon finishing it, my initial reaction was "Hey, why didn't you tell me more about the creatures!" but the more I think about it, the more I like it. The unknown aspect actually helps the creepiness factor a bit, I think.
Again, very well written. I really enjoyed this one.
GAMORRAH FALLS: Like The Deal, this story had some amazing imagery. There wasn't one part of this story where I couldn't envision with perfect clarity everything that was taking place. For me, as a reader, that is of the upmost importance. Well done.
There is something about the pacing of this story, however, that feels off to me. It wants to be a 5,000-10,000 word short story; or heck, it would probably make a great novella! But to put this much info into 1,500 words is too much. I'm following along with Bryant Arthur Kane and then I get huge chunks of history and explanation, then end with another quick burst of Bryant.
I would be very interested to see if the author plans to make this a longer piece, because with some more room for it to breathe, I think this would end up as one hell of a story.
WALKER: A solid story. Out of the first three I read, this one stuck most to the theme of the exercise. Always fun to see a group of kids get into mischief. Still debating whether I like the unsolved mystery aspect to it, but I did like seeing what happened to the guys as they got older - I found that to be a nice touch.
It maybe reminded me a bit too much of Sleepy Hollow, with a killer losing his head and coming back to claim one to take back to Hell with him. That's my random thought for the day.
MOSTLY FICTION...EXCERPT: I love the idea behind this story. It has a The Mist by Stephen King vibe going for it - and I loved The Mist.
I am a little confused, though. Is this really taken from page 322 of a novel the author is writing? Or is that simply playing off the title within the story? I thought the epilogue portion contained the best writing - the author got into a flow here, and I would like to see that flow carried out in the earlier portions, where it was more of a "they said, it is said," etc. type of thing where events may or may not have happened depending on who you ask.
I have no idea who wrote what except for three of the stories, so I am going to take some wild guesses here:
The Deal: J.D. Gamorrah Falls: Craig Walker: Dennis Untitled (Excerpt): Adam Across The Street: ? (Victor maybe?) El Maestro - Joe The Beach - Janet My Sister - Thad Burning Rain - J.D.
He Who Has Beautiful Eyes that Are a Blessing From God
Joined: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:51 am Posts: 3583 Location: Toronto
_________________ Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it
He Who Has Beautiful Eyes that Are a Blessing From God
Joined: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:51 am Posts: 3583 Location: Toronto
I think Craig wrote El Maestro. Thad I have for Walker.
I am having a devil of a time figuring out which one Tony wrote.
_________________ Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it
He Who Has Beautiful Eyes that Are a Blessing From God
Joined: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:51 am Posts: 3583 Location: Toronto
_________________ Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it
Every time I attempt to pin a story on one particular writer, someone throws out a hint and messes up my entire theory. It's difficult when I'm not familiar with everyone's styles.
Placing that dang bunny story is driving me nuts, same with The Beach. Some of the others I could switch around because either the style, or the rhythm is fairly similar.
Edited to add: If I had to stick my neck out, and based on a few other comments, I'd have to go with Joe for Burning Rain, Dennis for Walker, and I had either Craig or Thad for Gamorrah but now I don't know.
He Who Has Beautiful Eyes that Are a Blessing From God
Joined: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:51 am Posts: 3583 Location: Toronto
_________________ Mike Styczen: As far as I can tell, all of Toronto is on the lookout for some sort of demented leprechaun. If Toronto didn't exist, we'd have to invent it
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