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headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3815) [phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4670: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3815) [phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4671: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3815) [phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4672: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3815) Horror World • View topic - Too Soon Goodbye
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2007 11:32 pm Posts: 171 Location: Boulder, Co
Things end too quickly, and this one did, too, no fault but my own, and for this moment, I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. No fault but my own, I think, and my guilty, riddled mind. It would've been perfect, if only I wasn't who I am, too intensely serious in my painfully sharp emotion, maybe hard to handle, this boy who is anything but a man, sometimes, it seems. What man feels this much, out of control, unable to put a lid on it? I said I could be okay with the way things were, and that was my first mistake, because I just wanted her around, near me, close, and my pain--which I knew was on the way--was a sacrifice I was willing to make. This proves I am not selfish. Pain is no stranger to me. Something beautiful, someone beautiful, everything beautiful in simple moments without a single doubt or confusion. I guess I couldn't take this surface area without a deeper place to go. I brushed that hair with my hand for hours, and all the nice things she would say to me about it. It wasn't nearly long enough. I never nearly grew tired enough of the nice things she would say. Held that dear, kind, sweet, affectionate girl so close to me, maybe the sweetest I'd been with, ever seen, because certainly nice was all I ever wanted, and she was that and more to me. Was there a time I did not see her smile? It was hard to say. All this Helter Skelter in my brain, and I have a place to smooth it out, make it mean something, and a place to put it, into you, lightly all the time, every second, here again, trying to make eternal, last a lifetime. I go back there all the time still. Like now, I close my eyes, and think about you, and how that was. It's the best I can do. It's all I have now. Amazing how something so precious, so beautiful can end so quickly after something so beautiful, so intense is reached. It hardly seems real, and I wonder why I couldn't be content with just the way things were, when she said what she did, and I told her I was okay with it, and now, I just want to rid myself of this guilt, that she was everything I needed now, I needed then, and I didn't need anything more than that, but I guess I did, goddamnit. God damn you for making me this way, where everything is more painful because of it, where pain is all it seems I get to know, this malleable, easily wounded heart, this tortured, bleeding brain. All it does is bleed these days. Eyeballs made of blood. Who built me this way? Was it me? Was it a decision I made? Can I take it back? Can I start again with less feeling, more mortar and stone?
It was exactly what we were trying to avoid, but I went with it anyway, and I came home and I felt it all after it was over, unable to believe it, really, and so I let it come. It hadn't a place to go. So, it meant something to me. It always means something to me. I wonder if it will never mean anything to me. Maybe if I didn't look for meaning in everything, I would be okay. Maybe if I took meaning and heart out of everything...
I think of cutting all this out of me, beginning where my heart is, how beauty and pain lie so closely, side by side. I wonder why. The wrack and ruin of my tortured, too busy brain. Another empty dream come true, and the tears I have here, reserved, to prove it all. Just another too soon goodbye, just one day longer, a chance to say goodbye, but thankful, at least that she was there to allow me to love her in my own way. Just one chance, I think, if only one time, so I could say goodbye properly. I need to see that smile, hold that hand in mine. We talked all the time, and now...Now...I need something loud to distract me, something to fill this silence. And who's fault is that, I ask myself? Who made that happen?
If only for a minute, this time I had you. If only for a minute, I could call you mine, that everything was okay. See, how this screen, even now, begins to blur and fade? My shadow, too, a piece of me you will always have. It wasn't a sacrifice. Nothing was ever a sacrifice. She was just a beautiful, kind, adoring, affectionate, compassionate girl. And she let me in, and allowed me to hold her, and there is nothing dark about that. There was never anything dark about anything at all. There was never anything wrong, but what I made it. Wrong for me. How could something so exquisite...Goddamn, this, all this, this heart in me, these thoughts belaboring me. Haven't these beasts had reign enough? Where did all that calm go? Where is that glassy lake that was once my soul?
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2007 11:32 pm Posts: 171 Location: Boulder, Co
Thanks, Matt. I'm fine. Seems odd I guess for a horror writer to make his blogs about matters of the heart instead of the latest horror film, but concerning the heart, seems always a good topic to write about, so I figure, why not?
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2007 11:32 pm Posts: 171 Location: Boulder, Co
You're a good friend. If I ever meet you, I would like to shake your hand warmly. My luck with the ladies, is a little rugged at best. Seems to mean a lot to me, but not so much to them, thus the sting.
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2007 11:32 pm Posts: 171 Location: Boulder, Co
Well, I'm not sure on the exact sales, but I've heard some good things about the story. Someone said it should be a movie, which I won;t disagree with. Thanks.
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