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Bad Valentines by Steve Vernon; Crossroad Press; 2012; 278 KB pgs; $2.99 US Let’s face it, there is one holiday that most men wish would simply disappear. Whether we are single, have labored at love and lost, or are in a union that has lasted past the honeymoon stage, we just can’t win on this day. And, if we are blessed to be in a relationship, odds are that on Valentines Day, no matter what gift we present to that special person or how many accolades of love are proffered, it’s just not going to be enough. But we go through the motions anyway knowing it’s expected, hoping all the while that our gestures are appreciated so that at least if we don’t get lucky on this most feminine of days, well, maybe we won’t be hit over the head with the remote either. And nobody understands these bizarre rituals of love better than Steve Vernon. Maybe it’s because he has been there way too many times, or maybe it’s because the man simply can’t help himself, but somehow, Steve Vernon, one of this century’s master storytellers, has found a way to lighten our dread of Valentines Day. Love may be a many splendid thing, but in Steve Vernon’s hands, it’s merely fodder for three of the most outrageous tales of lust, depravity, terror, and humor that he has ever written. Take the first tale, ‘Change Of Pace’. It’s a story of man who has tried everything he can think of to please his wife so she’ll have sex with him, but so far, nothing seems to have worked. So one night he goes out with a buddy and shares his tales of no nooky over a beer. After a hilarious recounting of the various methods used by the man to win over his wife, his buddy has a suggestion for him…Spanish Fly. And, it just so happens that this buddy knows a guy who makes it himself so there is no question as to its authenticity. So the desperate husband purchases some, but unsure of how much to use, he throws a handful into his wife’s hot cocoa. You might think you know how this one ends, but think again, after all, this is a Steve Vernon story we’re talking about here. I’m not sure I can adequately describe the second tale, ‘Westside Story’, but I’ll try. The plot consists of two human-like squids who are homosexual lovers as they team up with the F.B.I. to capture a submarine manned by dead Nazis and wind up in the belly of a whale-like beast. Though the story line sounds like something Walt Disney might come up with on an acid trip,Vernon makes it work for two reasons. The first is that there is genuine plot amidst all the wackiness and it is quite entertaining, and secondly, the love play and the interaction between the gay squid is hilarious and often touching. I might be tempted to say that Westside Story is a morality play cautioning about the dangers of homophobic bias, but to be honest with you, the story was so much damn fun, his message might have gone way over my head. The final story is called ‘Potboiler’, and the name is a clever take on the end of the story. It’s about what happens to a Spanish lothario when he picks the wrong woman to take advantage of. Vernon reminds us that there is nothing deadlier than a woman scorned, especially if she practices the dark arts and is willing to die for her revenge. I have to tell you, I’m not sure if I’ve ever read a short story that contained so much blood. If you are one of the millions of men who believe that Valentines Day should be celebrated on October 31 instead of the middle of February, then pick up a copy of Steve Vernon’s, Bad Valentines, and know that you are in awfully good company. Vernon’s ability to craft a tale is on par with the greatest story tellers of our time, so when he set’s his twisted humor and terror inducing skills on the subject of love, keep in mind that RED just happens to be Steve Vernon’s favorite color. **Please note. You may not reproduce any reviews in whole or in part without the express permission of Horror World and the respective author. Please contact the webmaster with any requests. Thank you.** |
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